It has been a constant background hum in my life. It is not about being not good enough or perfect. It is just I am never satisfied with what I am doing. The act itself, and not the result of it. Like, never. I would start something I thought I wanted to do, and for a hot minute, maybe a day or two, there is this little spark of… something. But then, poof. It is gone, and the wanting starts all over again.
And you know what I am starting to realize? This constant state of not being okay with my actions is actually more upsetting than it brings me any happiness with trying something old or new. Like I always feel on the edge, always waiting for the next thing to come along that might spark a longer joy.
It is a tiring way to live. Constantly trying to find and end up feeling like I am doing something, yet I am missing out. I definitely do not have any answers, trust me. I am still very much figuring this out. This does not mean I will stop doing things or give up on my ambitions. But I hope to find some satisfaction in my actions before I stop doing things one fine day.
